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Tag "work"

climbing to get the camera

Working for myself means that it’s way too easy to work all day (and all night, and all weekend …) without coming up for much air. Sure, we eat lunch together as a family and try to take a walk and I put Elisha down for a nap during the day, but I can still seriously just get in the zone and work without thinking about my time. One of the reasons I wanted to work for myself was to be with my family, and if I let myself get caught up in too much work, I miss out on the whole point of being self-employed.

Finding this balance in my life has been one of the most difficult parts of my freelance career. It’s a double-edged sword, though, for when I’m interrupted too often while working (or trying to work) on a project, I lose my train of thought and any creative muse flies out of my brain only to be lost until I can get some quiet time to myself again. With a toddler in the house, my muse is often hiding until the wee hours of the night when everyone is in bed instead of during the day when there are games to play and books to read.

veggie

This delicate balance is precious—I love that I’m not missing out on the early years with Elisha and I love that I’m finally able to choose my own clients and nurture my own creative style once again.

I’m still in the process of figuring out what my work day and work week look like, even 11 months into working for myself. Settling into a routine has always been hard for me, and as Elisha grows and as our business grows and as we hope to eventually continue to grow our family, I have to constantly evaluate how I work and when I work and where I work. Every day is different in some ways—Mondays are errand days and Wednesday are late nap days because of Bible study.

face

These past few weeks have been crazy busy with client work, which is good for the bank account, but difficult for me to manage in terms of balancing my time. I finally had a moment to catch my breath with the boy today, and it felt nice.

drawing

drawing

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life's been too busy

life has been busy this week. if anyone is taking anything, it’s me. taking a beating. time has slipped through my fingers and i’m exhausted. i need a nap and a staycation. stat.

these boxes have been on my desk for the whole week, full of cloth diapers for a trade to be sent to someone whose diapers i have already received. more megaroos. i’m so in love with those prefolds. they’re fabulous. but, i’ve said that before.

this on-again-off-again game with the sun this week has been playing is only making me feel even more tired. i’m solar-powered, born and raised in Florida, the sunshine state. so, cloudy days make me tired. so does not sleeping, and all this week i haven’t slept well at all. sunday night, the baby was up until 1am or so for no reason (he woke up just as we were going to bed). monday night, the babe slept fine but i was up for no reason. tuesday night, i couldn’t seem to fall asleep either, so the cycle has just perpetuated itself all week.

here it is thursday already and i’m wishing it was Friday. or, i just wish i could magically “catch up” to all the things i feel like i’m behind on.

although, in the spirit of the we scout wednesday post i’m about to finish for yesterday, i’m trying not to be too attached to this blog, so i’m going to keep myself from apologizing for what i haven’t written the past few days. suck it up. realize life happens. the internet can wait—i had a nice night watching a movie and spending quality time with my husband last night instead of sitting on the computer catching up on my virtual life.

real life is nice. i miss it sometimes.

okay, back to work with me …

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for those of you who remember my original blog, you know i took a lot of photos of my lunch. a lot. as in, almost every day. well, in order to leave work a little early so we can go out of town for the weekend, i’m eating my lunch at my desk. the hubbs took some time on this one, people. he cut up my bananas into little round pieces. i won’t tell him that i just slice the banana in half and smush it on there with the peanut butter because these little banana bites were so cute. and yummy. pb&b is one of my favorite sandwiches. nom.

so, don’t get used to seeing your long-lost favorite friend, my aqua lunch box. i still managed to eat and feed the baby. though, he wanted to gnaw on me more than he wanted to eat. ouch!

he also fell off the bed today. we finally have a mobile baby, apparently. i don’t know if i’m prepared. i know our house isn’t, but is my heart? hmmm … nope. it makes me tear up a little to imagine him with teeth and crawling. it feels like it’s only a matter of days before he gets his body under control. i know he’ll be crawling soon. wow. just wow.

then he’ll be walking.

and talking.

and driving a car—

haha. no no. not that fast. i’m not ready.

anyway, he wasn’t hurt. i think justin took the fall worse than the baby did. he feels a little guilty, but we signed up for this parenthood gig. and we have a boy. he’s going to be crashing into all sorts of things. skinning knees and noses. heck, i did that, but i spent most of my childhood as a tomboy gettin’ dirty in the creek and the yard with boys. so. i know what to expect. it’s still a little sad, but baby Eli seems to have handled it well. this time …

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Rainbow (surprise) Cake

rainbow (surprise) cake by daily poetics

i posted earlier this week about finding balance after admitting i haven’t yet figured that out. judging by the singular lack of responses, i’m either 1) talking to myself here or 2) not alone in my current internal struggles. while i’m prone to guess the former, i’m also sure i’m not the only one who feels this way.

right now, i feel so thin. stretched thin. almost transparent. but tight like a drum, ready to burst. wife, mother, provider. these things mixed together are a dangerous cocktail threatening to explode my concept of the time-space continuum out of the water at any moment. simply put: i do not always feel like there is enough of me to go around.

there isn’t.

there never will be.

and yet, somewhere in my heart, i firmly believe there is a third option. there is another path. an alternate route. it exists because i see people living it out every day here on the internet.

it just feels so out of my reach.

unattainable.

surely, i can have my cake and eat it, too. surely, i can be a mother and a wife and a designer and a maker all at once. surely, i can do this from the comfort of home without starving, without letting the bills pile up, and without sacrificing our savings to the cause. i believe this is possible, again, because i have seen it—in other peoples’ lives.

let me pause here to say that in the spirit of “take that, thursday,” i am very, very grateful for the job that i have now. it’s a great job with great people and great benefits. these people understand family and the occasional chaos it brings to every day life. it’s satisfying, creatively and professionally speaking, BUT. there is always a “but” when i look ahead down the road.

but, i’d rather be working from home, even just a few days a week … if not full time.

but, i think that our clients’ needs can be met satisfactorily without my body always physically being in the office. especially since i don’t usually personally meet with those clients.

but, i know i can be just as efficient at home as i am in the office, though obviously not in traditional office hours (i.e. i work just as well in my opinion after Eli goes to bed until i go to bed as i do in the office from … say 3pm to 5pm).

but, i understand both sides of this argument. i understand that “face time” is important with my coworkers about certain projects. i understand that i need to be available for meetings, for emergencies, for website explosions.

i suppose this is my struggle. my burden. something that’s currently like a wet blanket tied around my body, over my eyes, weighing down my heart.

i feel obligated in too many places. i want to be available to my son almost as much, if not more, as i want to be available to my work (or even to my husband!).

i do believe i’m self-disciplined, self-motivated, and creative enough to work in a variety of environments, whether that be home in my pajamas or at a desk in an office.

i just know which one i want more.

i am tired of staring at the cake, salivating. i want permission to eat it, to enjoy it, to live the lifestyle i know is possible. i just know there are still many things holding me back—justin finishing school, income, insurance, taxes, self-promotion to get a business started. some of those things are easier than others, but they all intimidate me in different ways.

i’m an impatient person, and it’s hard for me to hear God say, “not yet.”

i get caught up wondering, “if not now, then when? ever?”

i don’t want to get complacent here. not when i know there’s more out there.

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