from the day i went into labor with the boy, Elisha has never asked me—will never ask me—if i’m ready. i went into labor before i was even 40 weeks. he wanted his own birthday. he got one.
Elisha is crawling. the pediatrician says he might be an early walker. i don’t know if i’m ready for a walking baby. we’re hardly ready for a crawling one … he’s into everything, from computer cords to dog toys. anything and everything other than his actual playthings. i mean, he’s been looking at those for six months already … why look at them now? if he’s sitting still, he wants to be standing. he can’t pull himself up yet, but he’s working on it. walking early? oh my …
Elisha has two teeth. the bottom ones. and more on the way. he loves food, though he’d rather just shove the spoon in his mouth all by himself. finger foods, well, we’re working on that. i’m the one who’s behind. i’m a little nervous about just handing over little chunks of food, even if i’m darn sure my chewing, gumming, eager boy could handle whatever was put in front of him with a gusto that would put me to shame.
as i said last week, i’m the one who’s not ready. it’s going by so fast. and yet, there are things i think i’m ready for … or at least am ready to prepare for.
i still agonize over what i feel i’m missing, being away from home.
it’s my turn for my own baby steps.
tonight, i ordered a couple of books (this one, this one, and this one, too) that i’ve had on amazon for a while. books that should help me get a hold of the big cloud that’s floating over my head—all my doubts and fears about freelancing, about going it on my own … about working from home. sooner rather than later.
i’ve been thinking a lot about who i am. or who i want to be. or who i wanted to be. or who i’m going to be. i’ve been thinking about my niche. my target audience. those thoughts have consumed me a lot these past few days, though i’m not really sure what the answers will mean for my work or my blogging. i’m here on this blog just to be here, but i do genuinely want my work to speak to someone. i do feel the need to really push myself, to really seek the kind of community i know is out here in blogland. i want to find it, to help build it, to bring what i can to it. to whoever i can.
not just anyone, i suppose. although, i do believe that the Gospel is universal even when what i do is not.
it will mean a few changes, both in my writing and in my creating. i have a lot of stuff up my sleeves, but i just need to figure out how to put it all into action. it’s hard. i’m new to this.
i’m new to a lot of things. motherhood. self-employment stuff. planning. (i suck at planning.)
so, i’m taking baby steps. one step at a time over the next few months, steps that will hopefully be a move in the right direction for our family, for our future, for my husband, for me, and for our baby. i’m really just as excited as i am nervous. ever since graphic design school, i’ve had a dream to work for myself. it’s probably about time i actually get on that, isn’t it?
Share your thoughts?