motherhood monday: hello, is this thing on?
so, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?
sorry for that.
i appear to have difficulty finding balance, but i’m not really convinced that’s quite as bad of a situation as it sounds. i think that i work best when i feel as though i’m flying by the seat of my pants, and right now, i feel as though i’m just getting by on the skin of my teeth every day.
little E spent the past two weeks sick and teething (he’s still teething, but his ear infection and cold are finally fading). this makes life for me a bit difficult—it’s hard to work when you have a whining one year old practically strapped to your body at all times. well, i probably could have worn him in the mei tai a bit and had two free hands more often, but i don’t think that would’ve solved our whining, crankiness issues. it’s been a hard few weeks and now that it’s Monday, i’m still exhausted and ready for another weekend.
even if working for myself form home can sometimes feel like one very long Saturday, i assure you the reality is that i still have times that i live for the real weekend.
that said, i know i am not working enough.
i’m listless and dissatisfied. there is more i could be doing. there is so much caught up inside me, that much like the season of spring, i can feel it all budding and longing to burst forth.
it’s just been easier said than done for me and i’m still trying to figure out why.
i’ve been feeling on the edge of something for quite some time. like a break through is just around the corner. like i’m about to stumble into an epiphany. like something’s going to catch fire. i like this feeling. it makes me smile and keeps me active. it motivates me to sketch, to take notes, to hoard inspiration.
now that little E is feeling better, i know he’s going to be getting back into the groove of being his very busy one-year-old self. i need to take this moment to get on the same page as my husband. we’re currently … totally not. sometimes, i feel as though we’re unconsciously working against each other instead of with each other, especially now that i’m home all the time. we don’t have a rhythm. or, if we do, i don’t see it. or, if we do, we’re at least not moving to the same tempo. this makes mothering and working and living hard for me.
part of my silence and frustrations have revolved around me feeling alone.
i suppose this is part of the burden of freelancing, but i also know in my heart it doesn’t have to be so. there’s plenty of community out there if i’m willing to invest myself in it.
i need to invest some more of myself in my home, in my relationships first, however. i just hope that my motivation is reciprocated.
i miss blogging. i feel as though i’ve lost my voice.
having a little home here in the internet has been dear to me since i was just a kid. an awkward high school kid. for me, the interwebs is just as much a comfortable place as my couch. i need to spend some time here like i need hot showers. however, i can tell there’s been a disconnect. i’m still trying to put things back together again and it’s been more difficult than i expected. more difficult to put into words. there’s a lot going on and i’m still trying to juggle it, i guess. or something. i’m not entirely sure.
it’s abstract but heavy for me. a burden on my daily thoughts.
for now, i’ll just say that i want to have this space back. i want to reclaim this particular bloggy part of myself. while i’ll also be blogging separately on my business website, i want sojourning, us to be a place where i explore family life, spiritual life, and personal stuff. this is the other part of me, though it is certainly not separated from the working part. i don’t really feel like myself when the creative is separated from the personal. work for me usually requires just as much of my whole self as family life, so i can’t promise this place to be devoid of shop talk.
anyway. i don’t really know who reads this anymore, but i’m sorry i’ve been so quiet. i’ve struggled to carve out time for this sort of thing, but i’m slowly getting better.
let’s hang out some more. i’ve missed you.