rainbow (surprise) cake by daily poetics
i posted earlier this week about finding balance after admitting i haven’t yet figured that out. judging by the singular lack of responses, i’m either 1) talking to myself here or 2) not alone in my current internal struggles. while i’m prone to guess the former, i’m also sure i’m not the only one who feels this way.
right now, i feel so thin. stretched thin. almost transparent. but tight like a drum, ready to burst. wife, mother, provider. these things mixed together are a dangerous cocktail threatening to explode my concept of the time-space continuum out of the water at any moment. simply put: i do not always feel like there is enough of me to go around.
there isn’t.
there never will be.
and yet, somewhere in my heart, i firmly believe there is a third option. there is another path. an alternate route. it exists because i see people living it out every day here on the internet.
it just feels so out of my reach.
unattainable.
surely, i can have my cake and eat it, too. surely, i can be a mother and a wife and a designer and a maker all at once. surely, i can do this from the comfort of home without starving, without letting the bills pile up, and without sacrificing our savings to the cause. i believe this is possible, again, because i have seen it—in other peoples’ lives.
let me pause here to say that in the spirit of “take that, thursday,” i am very, very grateful for the job that i have now. it’s a great job with great people and great benefits. these people understand family and the occasional chaos it brings to every day life. it’s satisfying, creatively and professionally speaking, BUT. there is always a “but” when i look ahead down the road.
but, i’d rather be working from home, even just a few days a week … if not full time.
but, i think that our clients’ needs can be met satisfactorily without my body always physically being in the office. especially since i don’t usually personally meet with those clients.
but, i know i can be just as efficient at home as i am in the office, though obviously not in traditional office hours (i.e. i work just as well in my opinion after Eli goes to bed until i go to bed as i do in the office from … say 3pm to 5pm).
but, i understand both sides of this argument. i understand that “face time” is important with my coworkers about certain projects. i understand that i need to be available for meetings, for emergencies, for website explosions.
i suppose this is my struggle. my burden. something that’s currently like a wet blanket tied around my body, over my eyes, weighing down my heart.
i feel obligated in too many places. i want to be available to my son almost as much, if not more, as i want to be available to my work (or even to my husband!).
i do believe i’m self-disciplined, self-motivated, and creative enough to work in a variety of environments, whether that be home in my pajamas or at a desk in an office.
i just know which one i want more.
i am tired of staring at the cake, salivating. i want permission to eat it, to enjoy it, to live the lifestyle i know is possible. i just know there are still many things holding me back—justin finishing school, income, insurance, taxes, self-promotion to get a business started. some of those things are easier than others, but they all intimidate me in different ways.
i’m an impatient person, and it’s hard for me to hear God say, “not yet.”
i get caught up wondering, “if not now, then when? ever?”
i don’t want to get complacent here. not when i know there’s more out there.
Share your thoughts?
